A POP Original Series
[Both laughing]
- [Snort] Stop, oh my God!
- Oh!
You must be having a lovely morning.
- Hey now, it's just getting started.
- Is it just getting started?
Because it looks like the two of you have been engaged
in general merriment for quite some time now.
- Did he just say "merriment?" - I think he did.
- Yes, I said "merriment."
Because that's what happens when I spend too much time
with my mother, and I blame you two for it.
- So how was uh, dinner last night?
- Ooh, long. We spent two and a half hours
going over a costume lineup for the show.
All so that you two of you could sneak off
to some secret dance rehearsal behind her back
like a pair of dirty con artists.
- Hey listen, David, your Mom is a great director.
She's just not used to working with amateur dancers.
- Yeah, last week she told me
to dance like an Indonesian scarf caught in the wind.
I don't even know what that looks like.
- This "Money" number is so complicated
that if we don't get the outside help,
we will be laughed off stage. You've seen me dance.
- Yes, you have legs like tree trunks,
we knew that going into this. - Thank you.
- Can we just have one more private session with Derek,
and then it's done. - One more session?!
I thought last night was the last session!
- Well, we couldn't nail the final lift.
- What is this, "Dirty Dancing?!"
- David, please, just keep her distracted for one more night.
- No. No! It's too much!
- Okay, then I guess we can just...
tell her we're getting outside help.
- Mm, good luck.
When she was coaching me for the "Little Mister" pageant,
I made the mistake of going to Mario Lopez for advice,
he was the hosting at the time.
Anyway, she found out, and felt so betrayed,
she "forgot" to double-knot my tap shoes,
and cost me the crown.
So I will cover for you for one more night.
But that is it!
This better be worth it.
Excuse me, I have a job to do. - Oh.
♪♪♪
[Birds chirp, dog barks]
- Mm, Ted, it smells so good in here!
What's the occasion?
- Brunch. That we were supposed to make together.
- Oh, don't worry, babe, I've already eaten.
- So then I guess I'll just have your plate
for dinner, then. - Mm, yum!
- Hey, so I was thinking about maybe going into work
a little bit later today.
- Yay, if that means more Teddy time for me, then yes.
- No actually, I've been thinking about maybe
taking a longer break from work.
- I'm listening.
- What if we got out of town, just the two of us?
- Like Thelma and Louise? - Nope.
Uh no, I was thinking somewhere more exotic, like,
I don't know, somewhere that would have beaches for you,
and some interesting wildlife for me?
- Okay, I've just been to Miami so many times before,
and trust me, the "wildlife" is not as sexy up close.
- No, I'm talking about farther away.
Like, I don't know...
the Galapagos Islands.
- I love that. - Really?
- Yes, as a jumping-off point, yes!
But if we're thinking islands, why don't we do something
less sleepy and scary, like, The Maldives?
- Definitely something to consider.
And I guess while we're spit-balling here,
you know, it could be kinda fun to go somewhere
that you've never been before.
Like, I don't know, the Galapagos Islands.
- Yes, Ted! An island somewhere for sure.
We just need to figure out where.
But I'm so glad we're on the same page about this!
- Yeah, yeah.
And-And what page is that?
- Well, we both agree that we wanna get away,
and we both agree that we're gonna land
on somewhere so good.
Mhmm!
Roland: Hey, Johnny. I heard the news.
Boy, we are really going to miss Moira tonight
at the annual Mayor's Roast.
I was looking forward to getting scorched.
- Oh yeah, well, she's gonna miss it, too.
- Yeah, I mean, when she starts going off,
oh my God, you better have the burn unit on speed dial.
I mean, get the fire extinguishers ready,
because she is just slinging heat!
Which ultimately becomes fire. - Yeah, I get it, I get it.
She can, she can be funny on occasion.
- Yeah, it's okay though, I've got uh, Bob's cousin,
Louis, from Elm County,
he's gonna come in and fill in for her, so.
- Yeah well, Louis' the last guy that should be driving in
for tonight. Uh no, I- I uh...
I'm more than capable of taking Moira's place.
- Johnny, I don't think so.
Those are pretty high heels to fill.
- Well, don't you worry about me, I've uh...
I've handled myself pretty well humorously speaking,
in front of large crowds before.
- Jeez, if you bring up that Rose Video
shareholder's meeting again...
- You better be spending this time toughening your skin,
Because I've got more than a few...
rippers up my sleeve for tonight.
- Okay um, first off, I have no idea what "rippers" are.
- Well, maybe you'd know,
if you graduated elementary school.
[Guffaws]
- I can't believe you said that to me.
- Oh Roland, I'm sorry, did I-- Was that too far?
- [Laughs] Look at your face!
"Oh Roland, I'm sorry, did I go too far?"
[Laughs]
Oh pal, you are going to get eaten alive tonight!
[Door latch clicks, slams]
[Insects buzz, birds chirp]
[Horn honks] - Oh!
Moira: David! What are you doing walking the streets
all by yourself?
- You make me sound like a feral cat.
I'm walking home.
- Don't tell me the store is already laying off people!
- No, Patrick sent me home to get a cheque
that apparently is tax for the government,
and not, as I assumed, a bonus for me.
- Well, I'm glad I caught you, because I got your missive
about wanting to sup this evening,
and I'm afraid I must decline.
- What? Why? Why?
- David, full disclosure,
you have been awfully clingy of late.
- Okay...
I think it might be propitious for you to spend
some time with your peers.
What's Patrick doing tonight? Or Stevie?
- They're um, busy.
- Busy? Well, rehearsals end sharply at six,
so either one of them should be free
to dine with you thereafter.
- I just don't think they're available tonight.
- Hmm, too tired?
- Mm, yes. Yeah. - Yes.
They've both been struggling.
- Yeah, that's-that's it.
Your choreography has been working them so hard
they basically just go home and fall sleep,
so actually your show
is stripping me of a social life.
- Alright, David, but it'll have to be a working repast.
I could use your eye for the final design of the posters.
Okay? You employ the wrong font,
and you may as well bid Auf Wiedersehen to ticket sales.
- Can't wait. - Until then, dear!
- We're both going home though!
What the hell?!
- Alexis, you don't need to do those dishes.
- I didn't, I just put them on the counter.
Um, I also found this on the counter.
"Charles Darwin Research Center."
What is this? - Oh, nothing.
Just-just some work stuff.
- It says you were one of ten people selected
for a research program.
- Oh, what?
That's... crazy.
- Is this why you kept bringing up those islands this morning?
- Oh, the Galapagos Islands?
Uh, not necessarily, no.
- Ted, why else would anyone wanna go there?
- You mean, other than wanting to study some of the rarest
and most diverse forms of plant and animal life on the planet?
Uh, yeah, I guess you have a point.
- You were selected out of thousands of applicants?
- It just means that they'll have plenty of people
to pick from when I don't accept.
- Ted!
Why didn't you tell me you were doing this?
- Because I applied before we got back together,
and it takes a couple years to process the applications.
- A couple years? It sounds important.
- Well, listen, it's not not important.
But I can, I can always apply again.
You know, Emmett, the tortoise is 180-years-old,
So I'm sure he'll still be around in another few years.
- You love old tortoises! It sounds like a dream.
How long is the program?
- Six months.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah, see, this is why I didn't wanna push it
on you this morning, okay?
Because you mean way more to me than some dumb...
once-in-a-lifetime job opportunity.
- Ted, I don't know what to say.
I'd totally think about it, but like,
my laptop's here...
- Okay, honestly, just don't worry about it.
- Well, what about long distance?
I once maintained a successful, semi-committed
text relationship with Josh Hartnett
while he was shooting "Pearl Harbor".
- Okay, Alexis, I appreciate your creative problem solving,
But. you know, I-I wouldn't stay if I didn't feel
like it was... it was the right choice for me.
- Babe, are you sure?
- Yes. - But are you sure, sure?
Because I don't want you to not go like, just because of me.
- Okay Alexis, that's exactly what's happening,
but it's fine, okay?
And I told you that it's fine, so it's-it's fine!
- Okay. - Okay.
[Magazine rustles]
- Okay... so we're all good, then.
That was a good talk for everyone.
You know what I am gonna do?
I'm gonna do those dishes.
Babe, do you have a dishwasher?
Okay, I'm just gonna... I'm gonna figure it out then.
Okay.
[Dish clatters]
[Alexis sighs loudly]
[Giggles]
- Sounds like someone's in a good mood.
- What? Me? Oh.
Sorry, you know those days where you're just like,
super in love? - Hmm, not really.
- You will. Anyway, I'm just thinking about Ted and me.
I can't believe we've come such a long way, you know?
- Aww!
- Yeah. I just feel so lucky to be with someone
who would do anything for me.
Like, I just found out that he got this crazy job opportunity,
and he's turning it down just to be with me.
- Wow. That is lucky.
- He was ten people picked out of like, ten thousand.
- Oh my God, and he's not going?
- No, I think his perspective
was that there would be other opportunities.
- Still, that must be totally heartbreaking for him.
But I guess relationships are all about sacrifice.
- Oh my God, yes, Ted and I are so good
at that whole give and take thing.
Like, he gives me so much,
and I have learned to take as well.
- And I'm sure you give things up for him
all the time as well.
- Totally.
But also, he never really asks me to,
so that's hard for me to do for him.
But if he did, I would.
- Oh, so he didn't ask you to go with him?
- Not technically.
- Okay.
One day I hope I find a guy like Ted.
Someone who would literally put all their hopes and dreams
aside to be with me.
- Yeah.
Yeah. Thanks for the chat, Twy.
You're like my little fairy godmother,
if she wore an apron, and Celine Dion's perfume.
- Oh, so I've got a lot of good material here,
I just need some help sifting out the gold.
- I still don't see why you dragged us into this.
- Well, you can be a tough audience, Ronnie.
- What's that supposed to mean? - See?
That's what I'm looking for, honest reactions.
- Well, I've been honestly reacting quite strongly
to your aftershave.
It's a bit too European for my taste.
- Not the most helpful feedback, Bob.
- Look, now that you've trapped us here, just...
- What-what do you got, Johnny?
- Okay, here we go.
Well, it's 1791, and three explorers have landed--
- Next.
- I was flipping through the phone book the other day, and--
- The phone book? How old are these?!
- Well, you're not even letting me
get to the punchlines, Ronnie.
- Johnny, you need a search and rescue team
to find the punchlines for those setups.
- Ah! Top ten things you don't want Roland
to be in charge of: - Ten too many.
Johnny, you gotta be short and quick,
Like Roland in the bedroom.
- [Laughs]
- Now, that, that one kills every year.
- Oh no, I love that one, is that one up for grabs?
- No. You've gotta go for the jugular,
Just stay away from spouses, kids, and health,
and you'll be fine.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I gotta get back to work, which, up until now,
was the most boring part of my day.
- Well, I'd love to use that Roland in the bedroom joke.
- Fine, but I have a feeling it ain't gonna help you.
- [Chuckles]
Man, when she's on fire, look out!
- Well, you haven't seen me on fire, Bob.
[Insects buzz]
- I'm glad I let you talk me into another dinner, David.
That note you had about including my name
on the poster as a sales tool,
that's something I've been debating for some time now.
- Well, your name was already on the all mock-ups,
so it was really more of an observation.
- That reminds me, I must pop by the rehearsal space,
Jocelyn said some colour samples were dropped off today.
- Okay yeah, I--hmm.
I don't know if-I don't know if I need to see colour samples,
you just showed me all the mock-ups.
- But the printers require my sign-off first thing, David.
- Well, it's-it's late, I mean, it's...
It's 7:15. Are you sure you should be walking
over there alone at this hour?
- Okay David, no more "True Crime TV"
before bed for you.
I refuse to buy you another night-light!
- Okay, well why don't I just pick them up for you, then?
[Cell phone beeps]
Ah!
[Buttons click]
Hey, be careful!
♪♪♪
Both: ♪ When you haven't any coal in the stove ♪
♪ And you freeze in the winter and curse through the wind ♪
♪ And your fate when you haven't any shoes on your feet ♪
♪ And your coat's thin as paper ♪
♪ And you look 30 pounds underweight ♪
♪ When you go to get a word
♪ Of advice from the fat little pastor... ♪
- What the hell?!
- I don't-I don't know.
Both: ♪ At the window...
[Music, tapping]
- ♪ At the window! - ♪ Who's there?
- ♪ Hunger! - ♪ Ooh, hunger!
Both: ♪ See how love flies out the door ♪
♪ Money makes the world go round ♪
♪ The world go round the world... ♪
♪ Money makes the world go round ♪
♪ The clinking clanking sound of... ♪
♪ Money money money money money money money money ♪
- Get a little! - Get a little!
Both: ♪ Money money money money ♪
♪ A mark, a yen, a buck, or a pound ♪
♪ Clinking clanking clunking sound ♪
♪ It's all that makes the world go round ♪
♪ Makes the world go round!
[Both panting and laughing]
Stevie: Oh my God. - Ahem.
- David, what are you doing here?
- I have questions.
- Mrs. Rose, this is Derek.
He's been just helping us
practice the steps to the number.
- And how long have you all been moonlighting?
- Just... just about a week.
- It's a really fun piece.
- Yes, I'm aware, thank you.
- I'm just gonna head outside. Stevie: Yeah. Yes.
- Thanks, Derek.
- So all this time I thought-- poor David thought
that you were home, resting your instruments!
- Ohh... - I'm so disappointed.
Both: Sorry, David. - It's okay.
- However, in the business of show,
skullduggery, when it leads to such thrilling results,
a pinch of moral corruption is a small price to pay.
[Clapping]
- Oh, is that good? - Yeah, I think so.
- You choreographed this?
- I loosened the pickle jar. Derek merely popped the lid.
- Very impressed.
Was not embarrassed at all.
And I thought I would be.
- So sweet.
[Car rumbles, shuts engine off]
- Babe!
- I didn't like how we left things this morning.
- Me neither.
I'm the one that should be sorry.
- No, I should've been more direct,
and we should've just talked this through.
And I actually did some research on the Maldives,
and there's this beautiful resort that we could stay at,
it just means we might have to work there part-time,
to cover the costs.
But I feel like I could teach windsurfing.
- Of course you've done research on this trip.
But you've done too much for me already.
You do too much for me.
And so I think it's time that I give something back to you.
- My FitBit?
- No. I lost that.
But the last thing I wanna do
is stand between you and this job.
You've worked so hard, and I'm proud of you.
And so, yes, Ted Mullens,
I will go to the Cayman Islands with you.
- Uh, you mean the Galapagos?
- Yeah, wherever the turtles are.
- Are you sure, sure?
- No. But, yes.
[Both laugh]
- Muah! Alexis, you continue to amaze me.
I can't wait to do this with you.
Oh! We're gonna need to shots.
- Yes! Let's celebrate!
- Uh, no, no, no, I meant like, vaccinations.
- Mm...
- Yeah, just 'cause we'll be spending a lot of time
in tents, and there could be disease-carrying
insects around, so. - Okay. Okay.
Um, this is still very fresh.
I made this decision like, two minutes ago,
so why don't we focus more on the beach,
and less on the details?
- Fair enough.
- [Laughs]
[Raucous laughter]
- When it comes to making decisions,
Roland likes to go with his gut.
And boy, does he have a lot of gut to go with.
- Ohhhh! [All laugh]
- Yes, I do.
- And look at Bob, pretending to get it.
And we all know Gwen, he hasn't gotten it in years!
All: Ohhh! [Laughter]
- Oh, that-Ronnie is just crushing it!
I mean, you know, everybody really has so far.
- Okay, okay, that's all I got for now.
So I'm just gonna hand it over to the one
who wears the pants in the Rose family.
But Moira is not here right now.
[Audience laughs]
- So I'm gonna pass it over to Johnny.
- All right, Johnny! Go on!
Head on up there!
Let's see what you've got up your starched sleeve of yours.
- I'll tell you what I've got up my sleeve Roland,
a few tasty little rippers that uh...
are more palatable than anything
Jocelyn's been serving up tonight, so.
- Hey, is that a crack about my cooking?
- From the guy who's had four helpings?
[All laugh] Roland: Yeah!
- Oh, and Bob's joking about me having four helpings,
we all know if you've ever taken your car to Bob's Garage,
he's not necessarily known "four helpings" anyone.
[Chuckles]
[Silence, dog barks outside]
- Well anyway, a couple of little improvs there
to get started, but uh, uh...
what was I saying? - Nothing funny so far.
[Roland laughs]
- Hey Johnny, come on, I've got a white flag,
why don't you just start waving it?
All: Ohhh!
- Yeah, Roland, may I point out that I was quiet
when everyone else was up here doing their roasts.
- I wish you were quiet right now!
[All laugh]
- Well, things seem to be going downhill fast.
Which is what the town must've been thinking when Roland
elected himself Mayor.
[Audience laughs]
- Okay, I'll give him that.
- Oh, got a smile out of Ronnie.
The last time anyone saw her this happy
was at a 3-for-1 sale on cargo pants!
[Audience laughs]
- Where? Where?
[Audience laughs]
- All right, Johnny, starting to make some moves, now.
- Cargo, I said car-go,
which is what a car is supposed to do...
unless you take it to Bob's Garage!
[All laugh]
- Well listen, I don't want to overstay my welcome,
I'll keep things short and quick.
Which reminds me of the last time I was in Roland's bedroom,
um... well,
I-I wasn't in Roland's bedroom, but the--
Ah! What was it, Ronnie? - Just sit down, Johnny.
- Well anyway, the punchline is, it was short and quick.
[Forced laughter]
Anyway, I'm gonna quit while I'm ahead, folks.
[Audience laughs]
- I think it's a little late for that, pal.
- Ohhh! [Audience laughs]
- Good job, Johnny, all right.
[Audience laughs]
Johnny: No, I wish you guys could've been there tonight.
I was really ripping into them.
- Yes, I'm sure you killed them, dear,
with all the venom of a silkworm.
- Oh, you know what, Moira?
Jealousy doesn't look good on you.
Much like that mirrored jumpsuit you wore
to Candy Spelling's 50th!
- John! - Oh my God, Dad!
- Why don't you take it easy, Alexis,
like you did with your education?
- [Laughs] - Ugh!
- I mean, he's not wrong. - Oh, look at David.
Smart enough to get that joke,
but not smart enough to stop wearing sweaters
in the middle of summer.
- Burn, David!
- Okay, here's why that joke didn't work.
- And look at you, John.
A worthy competitor emerges.
Something the good people at Blockbuster never said
about Rose Video. Ha! Ha!
- That was low, like David's standards.
- [Laughs]
- Or the placement of Alexis' back tattoo.
- Alexis has a back tattoo?
- Alexis, what have you done to yourself?!
- It says "that's hot" in Cantonese.
Got it in Hong Kong. - Ugh!
I was 12-years-old!